Sunday, March 29, 2009


I guess it sunk in finally. Blew away that pesky haze that surrounded the idea of getting out. "Man, it doesn't even seem real that we're getting out."


Well shit, what can you do, right? An excellent question, Anon. Let's consider the options and attempt to provide an in-depth analysis. Feel free to mix-and-match possible decisions to create your own Suspect!


If your first thought is to wonder why this one is at the top of the list, fuck you.

To avoid deploying, one could, in theory, partake in excessive amounts of know what, nevermind. This one's out.


I'd fuck me hard.


This approach can be generally seen as counter-intuitive as it guarantees complete dismemberment, and ascertained to be very painful. An arduous process that will require the assistance of the other criminal from "Fargo". Steve Buscemi chose this option just to piss you off.


(I did not invent this method, it was borrowed from Encyclopedia Dramatica. I advise that no one go there. But now you will, and you'll wish you hadn't, and so will begin the decay of your moral and social fiber. Without further ado, I hereby CTRL + V)

"Stand at the top of a tall structure and make sure that there is something relatively soft such as grass, or a sleeping fat person, below. You should preferably be on the edge of some kind of overhang, such as a bridge.

Next, tie cheese wire around your neck, tight enough that it won't slip off under tension but loose enough not to choke you. Remember, you don't want to die looking like a Michael Hutchence wannabe. Nobody wants to be Michael Hutchence. Even Hutchence hated it.

Anyway, tie the cheese wire to something solid on top of the structure. Make sure that there is a good six or seven feet of slack. Now stand at the edge and glue your hands to the side of your head. If you are under the age of 16, you may wish to get a responsible but sociopathic adult to help you. Wait until your hands are glued solidly to your head. This has the added advantage of stopping you from calling for help if you change your mind (you fucking pussy).

Now jump off the structure. It'll only hurt for a second, when the cheese wire runs out of slack and slices through your neck. The overhang should stop you from bashing your now-severed head against the wall of the structure when the cutting motion jerks your body backwards.

You should hopefully land face down, although this is really out of your hands by now. Unlike your head, which is glued to them. This has the excellent effect of causing whoever finds your body to think that you have pulled your head off.

Guaranteed to break the ice at parties!

====The Awesome (Feat. Boom-Shaka-laka)====\ Same setup as "The Awesome" except one must prepare a basketball hoop at the bottom of the place of descent prior to the jump in the hopes of slam-dunking one's own face.

Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties"


This is when you say "Fuck this noise," and leave. No one tries to stop you, because if you're smart, you don't tell anyone. Smarter than suicide, though believed by some to be "career suicide" or "government job hirability suicide" or "not-taking-after-Ryan-Phillipe-in-a-shitty-movie suicide".

The less you pack, the better. In fact, you should leave your TV. Better yet, leave it on. Offer to pick up food for a friend on your way out. You may even want to go so far as to create a convincing backstory over the course of several weeks that suggests you're sleeping with the wife of a Special Forces soldier. "Go visit" the nonexistent lover and never return. If you've pulled this off successfully, your chain of command will file a missing person report and assume that you've been chopped up into fine chunks and fed to dogs. The guys from CSI: Lame Army Crap will naturally assume that whatever the dogs didn't want where probably scattered in the impact area of one of the artillery ranges. Morbid jokes will follow, while you cruise down the highway, laughing (until you realize that you forgot to line up things like a job and money, and you spend the rest of your days fellating bums for the food they are given but don't want).


Sure, you spend longer than expected in the service, but life's already been getting on without you, so in reality, there is no transition. For a dramatic re-enactment of what this is like, go to the Evolution Of A Shitbag section somewhere on the right side of this garbage page, and read Part One, Part Two, and Part Three in a high pitched, snarky voice. Repeat until Terror surrenders or dies laughing at our ridiculous camoflauge.


To do this, simply fail at it, be laughed at and shunned, then do everything listed under "DEPLOY", and make sure you always eat your lunch alone. Vow to one day become a full-fledged beatnik.


This involves AWOL, and also results in you looking like a goofball on CNN when you get caught in Afghanistan romancing animals. Someone else already tried this, and he looked ridiculous. Risks include getting your ass blown away by your former comrades. An excellent choice if you appreciate irony and want to up the chances of a shitty indie film being made about you.


This will most likely just result in you having to sit on your ass and pull radio guard, still deployed. You'll make the same money you would outside the wire, and as long as you don't catch a rocket or mortar round to the skullet, and don't try "THE AWESOME" out of boredom, you'll probably be fine. But then again, if you're in this situation intentionally, you're probably a moron, and are frequently detonated by your First Sergeant, which is roughly on par with "FEET FIRST IN A WOODCHIPPER".

If you manage to get non-deployable status, you'll stay back on Rear Detachment and spend most of your days pulling 24 hours shifts at a desk, answering the occasional phone call and being terribly bored, wondering why they even bother to keep you. After enough sleep deprivation, you will likely try any and all of the above mentioned methods, in no particular order or limit to repetition (except woodchipper and the awesome).


This one is experimental. If you enjoy thorough assbeatings and cavity searches, this may be the route for you. It does not guarantee that you'll be exempt from deployment, but you just may share a cell with the guy your comrades scoop up off the street when they go to work. At this point, go with either "GO GAY" or "THE AWESOME", because he will likely want some "fiki fiki". For an example of fiki fiki, kindly refer to any movie starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal about two cowboys when they spend too much time away from their wives. Do not associate this concept with "DEPLOY". Seriously, not cool.

Possible risks include failure. While it may rock to see the President punch some fool out on TV, it might not be so funny to you if it's YOUR candy ass being handed to you. Also, don't expect a bail out.

Go to hell, that joke was hilarious. Moving on.


I obviously don't know shit about this one. A long and arduous process that if successfully done, can result in you getting disability money from Veteran's Affairs. Being a self-centered egoccentric author of several blogs about military angst does not constitute a severe medical handicap. While a doctor may call you a retard for signing your contract, he or she will not actually diagnose you with Retard.

If The Awesome and Woodchipper are too extreme for you, you might consider Horseback Riding.


This can be a pain as the headshrinkers you'll get referred to work for the Army. Fingerpainting the walls and your own body with feces may provide a compelling argument, but only if you can stay in character. This is where some authors of angsty army blogs failed.


If I knew how to do this, I wouldn't be writing this article. I'd be paying your children a dollar an hour to make tennis shoes and advocating the continued use of the Stop-Loss policy. Oh, and I'd be heavily invested in KBR, something I should have done anyway but now is probably too late.

There's some sort of stipulation that if you make 250 grand, or if that's your annual income, or something like that, I'm not sure, then you can get out due to a "change of lifestyle". What that means is that when you don't have to worry about money, you aren't afraid to tell people to fuck themselves, because you are rich and therefor better. Paltry re-enlistment bonuses are suddenly not so tempting, and the threat of having your pay reduced INduces laughter. You can also have strings pulled, because you're a rich dickhead and everyone hates you but needs money.

All in favor of the Save Suspect PayPal Fundraiser? Quarter mil, non-refundable. Anyone?

Well then it's back to my Nigerian Email Scams (yeah, I started those but no one falls for it).


Get deployed anyway, unless you followed my guide to "GET RICH".


Seriously, I bet they could pull some strings. You're probably better off just doing your eight year obligation though. Couch jumping optional.


Kidding, turns out, that won't do it. The Adderall is free though. The Air Force might use that as excuse to get rid of your worthless ass, but the Army won't (until we revert back to a peacetime army, and you can get booted for being fat, failing PT standards, or any other number of things).

Side effects include driving your friends and superiors fucking NUTS and not being able to keep your story on one continuous blog.


We pretty much covered this with TACKLE THE PRESIDENT. Seek a better course of action.


With a simple home-made witness protection kit and sweet hacking skillz seen only in moviez, you too can be Jason Bourne. I'm not saying this is possible or a viable option, I'm just saying that if you ever run into a certain Theroy Roosefitch III, be sure to buy him things.


This is more of a hilarious way to accomplish "GET THROWN IN PRISON" than it is a way to get out of Stop-Loss. Use your sweet hax0r skillz. Enjoy fiki fiki. If the guards take pictures and circulate them on the internet, sue, and "GET RICH".


This isn't so much a solution as it is a particularly freaking SWEET example of AWOL. Side effects include third degree burns on the buttocks.


Ha, you fucking wish, clown. If you succeed, avoid all attempts your mother makes to seduce you. Invest in shit that will succeed (not ENRON or AIG). Claim to be a prophet. Prophesize shit from your history books. Get murdered.

Side effects MIGHT include turning into a werewolf, or Parkinson's Disease.


We were going to fly him to an old folk's home anyway.


Granted, everyone around you is either completely fucked, secretly a bad guy, your daughter, or a combination. Avoid turning into a vampire or picking on little kids on a journey to look at a dead guy.


Yeah, the other ones don't do stop-loss apparently. Way to pick the only one that does. MENSA material for sure.


This is a pretty dickfaced move, and a bit extreme of a prank, but if you're sick enough to use it to get out of the Army, you might as well get a chuckle out of it. This is kind of where AWOL meets CREATE NEW IDENTITY, because now you don't have a social security number and can't get a job or go to the hospital or enlist (AH HA HA HA HA HA).

Bonus perk: Terminators can't find you unless Claire Danes fucks everything up.


Once he stops laughing and finally agrees to beam up your clothes, look around and realize that now you are stuck on a spaceship and more or less still involved with a military lifestyle. Also, if they deem you an "ensign", don't go on any missions. EVER.


Narnia probably isn't much better than Iraq if you really think about it. Climb back out of the wardrobe you freaking dolt. You look ridiculous.


I only saw the first one, so I don't really know how it pans out. I'm just grabbing for straws at this point.


Throw the ring in the molten lava (throw the Terminator in there too if it followed you). This will end all the wars and whatnot, and the truth is that no one likes to be married, so just toss the ring but keep the receipt because jewelry stores usually cover volcano damage (in ancient times, during particularly aggressive volcanic eruptions, women would protect their husbands when the game was on by scooping and flinging the oozing lava away.)


This is considered AWOL and retarded, but will not garner a diagnosis of Retard.


Probably not going to work unless you're still in basic training, which if you're reading this, you aren't. Also, if you're stop-lossed, you probably aren't in basic training. Pee the bed anyway.


Make sure to get all sorts of medical documentation, and a piece of paper that says that you pretty much can't do fucking ANYTHING. The downside is that you pretty much can't do fucking ANYTHING.


Full blown AIDS will net you a 100% disability rating for the rest of your life and the Army takes care of you. Unfortunately, you have AIDS. You're probably better of deploying unless you're Magic Johnson, in which case it's AAAAAARIGHT!


Make sure you get abducted by the right kind. Carry a bottle of water in case it's the dudes from "Signs". Always have a cold in case it's the creatures from "War Of The Worlds". Quit shaking the fucking camera if it's the things from "Cloverfield". Have Will Smith with you at all times for obvious reasons. Reese's pieces for E.T., Scully if the aliens have a minibar (she was in Maxim last year I think, so don't tell me she hasn't aged well). Bring Buffalo Bill if the aliens are women and are trapped in a well. Better yet, don't. If the aliens are Kevin Spacey, bring an underage blonde just in case.

In all situations, be prepared to be anally penetrated. Fiki fiki.


I figure by now, if you have to do three goddamn favors every time a person does you ONE favor, the world should be THIS FAR from total peace. But since no one is going to listen to the offspring of Forrest Gump, select something else from the list.


How bad can it be?


Refer back to "GET DEPLOYED".


  1. ok..ok...laughed so hard, i'm in pain now. thanks :D

  2. it seems like the Army really thought this one through...

    been there, bro.

    keep the faith. someday, you too can grow your mullet, and decide to never shave. but remember--when you DO get out, and if you still have IRR time remaining, the first thing you should do is get the most obscene tattoo you can swallow somewhere visually that cannot be covered up. That way, when they try to IRR your butt, they'll also have to pay for the removal, and that time for recovery can be valuable, delaying your sentence.

    keep it coming. acceptance in my own story is soon approaching. some old school Pantera will come first, though.

  3. hahahaha..... wow what a funny night... this is my favorite thing that ive read all year.... i really didnt expect that many options... boy was i wrong...


    ..... i will start with the SEX CHANGE option, follow by the GO GAY option.... that would make me a gay female.... then ill DEPLOY and soon after DEFECT TO THE OTHER SIDE... while defected, ill APPLY FOR CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR STATUS with my new county and i may even have to PEE THE BED FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES them to expedite my CO paperwork so that i can land a nice paperwork job myself.... hey im good with words.... maybe ill be a journalist with my new countrys army but if that option isnt availible in the service im in.... ill simply do whatever i can to BE IN A DIFFERENT BRANCH OF SERVICE that has journalist..... then i could wait it out in my new job until the president comes to town... with my new job i should be able to get close enough to TACKLE THE PRESIDENT..... with this i will GET INJURED and THROWN IN JAIL..... i would SUSPECT i would be in jail for a while, but when i got out i could write a book about my experiences and GET SUPER RICH.....

    by my count thats 11 options.... sounds like a good suspect to me..

    NUGHT OUT.....

  4. That's way more options than I've attempted. I'm still looking for a reasonably priced Delorean.

  5. Ha, thought several times recently of asking just how fond you are of your trigger finger, but figured an 'accidental' loss of said key digit would only result in the above mentioned deployment detail or RD duty. Heading out to purchase another lottery ticket.


  6. dont forget be rescued by edward cullen say beetleguise 3 times, have slimer slime you, become the next xxx(not much help there) communicate with animals or survive a dark wizards attack

  7. Hey Nught, I was checking out your chicks blog, and wonder why you'd be bullshitting about having to pay $1100.00 a month for rent to house your wife and kids...The pictures of her "backyard" are clearly of post housing at Fort Riley, KS. And it was a very recent post also. Face it, you're a liar and a pogue..I believe you call it POG nowadays. "Special Troops Battalion" that's a fancy term for "broke and/or we had to take them with us for the numbers."



  8. Anonymous, you aren't hardcore enough to call yourself Anonymous.

    Get an Epic Fail Guy Mask, post in memes, or Tits of GTFO!


    (and if this all means nothing to you, you are certainly not a true Anon, a Btard at best)

  9. Hey Suspect,
    Yes it's me...the cheerleader. I put down my poms long enough to write you this:

    You have been abducted by aliens! I want Ryan back...where the hell did they take you and what did they do to you while you were where ever the hell they took you??

    And the next time I click on "pussy" it better be some innocent little cats! Who knew definitions of such things were necessary?

  10. I have noticed a pattern in my own life of getting handed exactly what I don't want. It has happened too many times to be coincidence. I am getting used to it and am no longer surprised, which is a good thing as the shock value is reduced.
    The art lies in adaptation. You'll be fine. z

  11. well suspect...... i really dont know how you plan on following this one up.... great post....

    anony... i got it.... cool... im a in an a stb....i live in on post housing (which takes all 1100 of my bah every month the very second it touches my account)....ummmm what else did you say, let me check again i already forgot.....ahhh

    that "chick"...... yeah, shes my wife not my chick.....ummm and as gay as an stb is, its not where the broke people go.... i didnt choose this bat. i was given a levey package after my first deployment when i was at ft. lewis...

    the thing i dont understand is how you feel that you can read one of my post... retell me what i told you... then think you just dissed me.... but to be honest im getting tired of this.... not that what you say bothers me at all... im just not having fun anymore running races against retards and winning....after a while the lack of competion becomes boring....

    so i will concede that i live in on post housing, am in an stb, am a pog, am a whiner, and im wrong about everything ive ever said or writen..... if thats what it takes to stop having this feeling that im constantly being called out by one armed 9 year olds who what to fist fight me.... im three levels above you man.... your pissing in the wind... im letting you off the hook easy..... now just get off the fucking hook....

    NUGHT OUT.....

  12. I don't understand why anyone is asking questions of Nught on someone else's blog. Post your questions for him over on his blog, not here.

  13. agreed..... if you have problems with me take them up with me elsewhere...this isnt the fourm for that.... sorry suspect... my bad...

    nught out.... :(

  14. Side effects MIGHT include turning into a werewolf, or Parkinson's Disease
    HAHAHHAHAH. oh so wrong. and yet, so right.

  15. This is actually my third attempt to leave a comment.....the other two had me giggling like a schoolgirl, causing unwanted looks from co-workers....This is the absoulutely hyper-fucking-sterically funniest thing you've ever written. It's most likely one of the three or four funniest things I've ever read and I can't remember the other three......well, there's the one about....not for a Family Channel......ahem

    Really Suspect, brilliant. Top form.

    Beware fiki, fiki!!! Especially from behind. Eyes in the back of your head and all that....

    I'm off to giggle some more....

    Take care.


  16. Being a daily reader, you started all the shit with the anon(s) Nught. Anyway, best of luck to you suspect.

  17. i disagree anon... but i really dont want to get into the he said she said crap... that 3 days of argueing and name calling back and fourth was pointless and retarded on all ends, mine included... i apologized to suspect for that, and i will apologize to everyone else who was involved..... my actions even when provoked were childish, sorry... i know better.... i am an asshole and sometimes i need not write or say anything when im pissed off...
    im tring to work on this turn the other cheek thing but its killing me inside.... i hate holding my tounge....

    NUGHT OUT.....

  18. Let it go, Nught, it's just the interweb, no need to take things hard. I didn't make it through Charm School either. z

  19. FUCK.

    I didn't know that the text would include the original hyperlinks. Sorry for the traumatizing links, wasn't intentional. I'll fix that in a jiffy, but for those of you that have already been traumatized...

    HA HA!

  20. hahahaha, i am so happy you're still posting suspect!

  21. Haha... This is a great article. Considering I'm stop lossed,in Iraq and have nothing better to do than pay 10 dollars for a day of shitty internet, read your article and watch movies. I say just deploy. I hate the army with a passion,so much in fact that I wish to have it removed as a proper noun. This is my second time deploying and this time is rather unusual. They say are main focus is training. Well what do we train for in Iraq,Garrison?


Speak on this.