Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Line Begins To Blur

At this point, I'm the only dude on God's watery blue testicle that isn't still shitting a brick wall over this stop-loss deal.

Angry, embittered Suspect, yeah yeah, we get the point. Saw that routine a few dozen times. Fact of the matter is that I'm stuck. They got me, period, the end. After the initial rebellious phase, I decided that I wasn't going to draw attention to myself. Under the radar, stay out of trouble and escape with what little dignity I could pick up on my way out.

Now, things are different. I just want to do it. Get in the game. Play it by the rules. Suck it up and do the job. Hell, college is just a noun to me now. Not the near-tangible salvation it was a couple months ago. For the time being, I think it might not even exist. There are no schools. No careers.

There's only desert boots and green infantry carrier vehicles. 5.56mm tracers and cheat sheats with Arabic phrases on them. All it took was one little trip to Yakima to get that deployed feeling, and I was back. Loved it way more than being in garrison.

Let's face it, garrison fucking SUCKS. It's not til you're out THERE, doing the shit you're supposed to do, that you actually feel like you're in the real army.




Did some hard thinking about the Hajis. No, I don't hate all of them. They just depress me. The lifestyle they live, some of the mentalities, oh, and suicide bombers too. I'd like to see those folks join the peaceful world and just kick it. I'm sure our economies are on par right now anyway.

But I'm not Jesus. I'm not a diplomat. An "ambassador" of sorts. Fully armed. And I'm not changing shit. These wars aren't ever going to fucking stop, no matter how much chai I fry my taste buds with, how much bread I tear apart with greedy fingers, no matter how many soccer balls I give out or how many mistranslated jokes I tell.

It always comes back to one simple thing: pull security. S'all you can do. Make sure your gear is good to go, and scan your lane. Sweat. Watch. Sigh. Snap back to it. Get up and move out, a block later, take a knee, suck back a little water, scan for threats that aren't there. Scan again anyway. Think about your bunk. Snap out of it and scan. Ignore the monotony. Don't look at your watch. Don't look at the calendar. Don't count days. Just make sure your equipment and your vehicle are good, and keep pulling security. For one more year.

You'll never have that action movie face-to-face with your enemy. If somehow you did, you sure as shit wouldn't know, and would be rendering your pisspoor excuse for a greeting as you passed him by down the street.

Hearts and minds. They smile through clenched teeth and wave, all smiles. "Ha, yes, good, good Ameriki. Very nice, come tell us how to live. Please, Mr. Ameriki, wake my family up in the middle of the night for one of your little missions, ok? K, thanks, you dogshit. Tell your Obama to hurry up and send you pigs back to your desolate sinful NASCAR events."

I don't want to hate them. I just want to make sure we have an understanding. Leave us alone and let us do our job, we're trying to get out of your hair. I promise not to be a dick unless I have even the slightest inkling that I could be at risk, so when I'm in the states, I promise, I'm a nice guy. Just keep your distance, forgive the intrusion, this wasn't my idea, but I got a gun, and you guys got bombs, and I'd feel a lot worse putting an innocent deer down than I would some guy with a boomboom vest. Innocent deer tastes good, too. So y'see where I stand, right? Exactly. That's why YOU stand way the fuck over THERE. Thanks pal. Just doing my job, wait it out, ok? See you at the World Cup.




Dude, I'm just trying to get along. That's all. I chose a game that you can't quit until it's over, and we're in overtime right now. In overtime, you play your ass off. And like any game, there are rules. You don't get very far when you insist on breaking them and fighting the current. I just want to play the game, by the rules, to completion. Single minded focus. This is the job, this is what has to be done. Gotcha, let's fucking execute.

Family and friends are taking this way worse than I am. I accept it. I'm ready. I'm fucking IN TO IT. Personally, I'm tired of hearing about it. Stop-Loss? Dude, that's old news.

Get in. Complete the mission. Get out.

15 comments:

  1. It sucks...those fuckers stop-lossed me for 411 fucking days back in 2004. At least you get paid for it.

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  2. I get the feeling that you are not going back to Iraq. I think Afghanistan is on the event horizon.
    You'll do all right. We'll be waiting to hear. Best! z

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  3. "I don't want to hate them. I just want to make sure we have an understanding. Leave us alone and let us do our job, we're trying to get out of your hair. I promise not to be a dick unless I have even the slightest inkling that I could be at risk, so when I'm in the states, I promise, I'm a nice guy. Just keep your distance, forgive the intrusion, this wasn't my idea, but I got a gun, and you guys got bombs, and I'd feel a lot worse putting an innocent deer down than I would some guy with a boomboom vest. Innocent deer tastes good, too. So y'see where I stand, right? Exactly. That's why YOU stand way the fuck over THERE. Thanks pal. Just doing my job, wait it out, ok? See you at the World Cup."

    priceless.... its funny cause even those i dont approach them from this vantage point... i know alot who do... i think you managed to embody about half the soldiers who are over here with this comment.... this is the overall feeling of alot...

    my approach is a lot less paranoid and alot more willing to end the life of a preceived threat... not that it makes much sense, i just dont try to control the uncontrolable.... i very much want to make it back but i recognize that its not my call... im at the mercy of the allmighty.... im willing to stand and talk and be around any of them... is that counter productive to my wanting to life.... sure, it can be.... i just kinda let the chips fall where they may...

    i also have no contention with killing someone who i think MIGHT be a threat... my feeling is if you put yourself in a position where i can preceive you as wanting to do me harm... its your fault.... even if harm wasnt your intent... it makes no difference to me.... im willing to be lax on the distance between us as long as your aware that there are certain rules that i play this game by... if you break one of my rules or i think that you might.... game over.... its worked for me so far...

    i think i may be to willing to pull the triger and more willing to engage them in a perceived comfortable manner.... i find myself sometimes 20 meters away from my squad by myself in sector shoting the shit with the locals... my squad isnt comfortable enough to do this.... they watch me but from a distance.... i will be surrounded by sometimes 6-7 iraqis by myself... i dont know if im tempting faith or what im doing....i do stay very aware of what everyone is doing around me and im armed.... sometimes i find myself hoping for one of them to try something....but they never do.... maybe im just fucking crazy..... i dont know... what ever happens, happens i guess....

    great post suspect.... NUGHT OUT....

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  4. Nught, the Iraqis won't kill you.

    They figure you do us more harm by being in the military than if you were dead. You really want to suck Suspect's cock, don't you? You seem to ride along on all of his posts, trying to tell your "story" at the same time. Not enough visitors to your sorry ass blog, or what?

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  5. Besides Nught, (butt nugget) don't you work behind a desk now, making coffee for a LTC?

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  6. Hi Suspect,
    Well, you had a lot to say and you said it with the eloquence we have come to expect from you. Understated yet directly to the point, a sardonic wit intertwined with a calculated dose of cold, harsh reality. Of course your family and friends are taking it hard, because we are not quite buying what you are selling. But, you are the one that has to do this Ryan, not us. Whatever it takes to put your head in the "game" and allows you to play the hand you have been dealt,then so be it. Those of us who do not walk in your shoes, must accept that this is the way it is going to be. It's like medicine, I might have to take it, but, I don't have to like it.
    God(s) bless you Ryan. You still rock my socks. :P

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  7. Yo, Anon up there, Nught's just like the rest of us. We react, process and comment. If Suspect doesn't like it, he has a brain and a keyboard. He'll take care of it. Go read some Voltaire; you, too, Nught! z *backs away quickly holding trash can lid to block hurled fecal material*

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  8. Yo Anon, maybe suspect likes having his dick sucked by Nught. Let them be happy together.

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  9. hahahaha.... hey anon.... what is this between us.... i kinda feel like im being followed myself by a 6 year old girl on a 2nd grade playground.... your trying to push me down.... i cant tell if its because you like me, or because you envy me..... if its the envy, id urge you to be yourself.... as much as you may want to be me or like me, it comes off disingenious.... your trying to hard bro.... when you stop trying and start being youll see that you become much more like yourself, rather then who you want to be....

    if its not the envy but the other, i will remind you that im happily married, and im strickly heterosexual... there is a certain homo quality to your writing.... its full of gay comments and refferences..... if thats your thing, im not one to judge, but its not mine....

    you also have this false sense of toughness behind your computer..... you strike me as a guy who frequently gets verbally beat down by your peers in person..... the computer and the anonymous factor allows you to feel tough without worry of consequence...... im certain that you wouldnt dare open your mouth to me in person cause you know that i would destroy you.... thats the plight of a coward though...

    anyways in closing, any hopes, dreams, fantasys or any other of the same are ill advised because the fact is, we will never meet... ill never befriend you and you will never be me.... move on and be yourself.... i thank you for your attention as its evident that i have had yours for a while now.... its over though, time to move on..... you'll be ok, i promise... keep your head up, and you will make it through without me.... bye

    NUGHT OUT...

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  10. Yes, Anon is an idiot and there's not enough room for two idiots when we already have Nught on this board. Go away Anon.

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  11. So, the meds are starting to work. j/k
    I think you are choosing a wise attitude, FWIW.

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  12. Suspect, I think you have a creepy e-following of obnoxious e-fans. This makes you, by definition, an e-celebrity. Congratulations!


    My job is a little different from yours, yet as I read your blog (I've been following for a while, I just don't talk much) I notice a lot of the same frustrations, fears, and even situations coming up. There is a whole community of people here in the States and around the world that has at least a marginal understanding of what you're dealing with. You'll be out eventually. Look some of us up.

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  13. Garrison sucks ass! I'm glad you're getting your head in the right space for this. The only way out is through. If Buck Sargent can borrow an Iraqi's guitar while on patrol for a little boogie playin' in West Baghdad then things have changed quite a bit since his previous tour and yours too.

    http://americancitizensoldier.blogspot.com/

    Stay as safe as you can Suspect.

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  14. The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 04/14/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

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