Thursday, April 23, 2009

Who Is Suspect?

Don't know if we ever covered this. I know BT laid the groundwork for it, and hit pretty damn close.

Your typical Suspect generally holds this sacred insignia on their chest, meaning that they are the rank of Specialist, a glorious rank where you typically aren't in charge of shit, but you aren't the little bitch private that has to do everything. In fact, a seasoned Suspect will do everything in his power to dump the workload on the privates. If questioned about it, the best answer in my humble opinion is, "Experience is the best teacher. I am educating this soldier so that he is a better asset to this unit, for sadly I will not always be here." Then tell the private that the Force will be with him, always. And THEN send that sadsap enlisted bitch to crawl under the Stryker and drain the filthy fetid water out of the hull. Laugh at will, because that used to be you.

A Suspect must be able to be walk the fine line between smartass and unpunishable. The most important lesson to learn is that Thou Shalt Not Give Thyself Enough Rope To Hang Thyself. At the same time, you are required by the unspoken code of suspects to make an ass of yourself on occasion. Fuck your pride, you can always claim that you were "being ironic" or "doing it for yuks", when really everyone (especially you) knows that you are legally retarded in the state of Arizona.

Actually, come to think of it, it's not very hard to be a suspect of sorts. A better guide would be titled "How To Emulate My Specific Brand Of Awesome" but you can't have it.

A Suspect is a sham artist. Appointment slips are magical and delicious, and as a bonus, a well-documented medical record is good to have when you want to claim that the Army gave you whiplash, even though it was really the forty pound box of asswhoopin' that was hand delivered to you at a Slayer concert.

Suspects were the assholes who taught the Iraqi children how to swear. By the time I made it to that beautiful holy land, small children were demanding candy and informing me of my sacriligious sexual preference. I say again, an eight year old Arab informed me that I was gay. I told him that Aladdin was really a cigar-loving Jew.

Oh yeah, also, now and again, Suspects pull some bullshit stunts. This could range from using food items as footballs, to mailing feces, to hitting the Air Force with indirect fire of a waterballoon nature, to flipping off friends only to find that it's really the First Sergeant, to... HEY! Did Samuel L Jackson ever do a Spike Lee movie? I think he did, but I can't remember.

Basically, to be a suspect, you have to be a douche and somehow be liked for it. Suspect is every shamming, scheming, planning E4 out there. Suspect is the Zack Morris of the Army. Suspect is the guy who knows when to stop fucking with someone but keeps on doing it anyway. He's the guy who attacks the first sign of weakness or sensitivity like a shark smelling blood. He'll tell you that recent polls indicate that your Jetta is a girl car and that your taste in music is a direct representation of your taste in other guys. Suspect is an asshole, and he's everywhere. I've met suspects who were ten times what I am. I chloroformed them.

Too long, didn't read?

A future Suspect:

Suspect: What A Dick.


  1. my spelling sucks, but pronunciation works the same:

    in'ich di'jaj.

    bok bok! (12-to-6 with grin)

  2. 'Basically, to be a suspect, you have to be a douche and somehow be liked for it.'

    Wow. I really never thought of that, but its kinda true...

    Haha, gorilla poo... remind me and I'll show you the other thing I found on the internet (but I wouldn't recommend sending this one to your lovely, tolerant sister).

  3. There may be others, but they can't hold a candle to you. You not only perfected the art, but also shared it with us, in hilarious detail, and I applaud you for the entertainment. Your shenanigans, and descriptions thereof, have kept us reading for years.
    Here's to the BEST Suspect!

  4. hey suspect..... i tried to send you an email but it didnt work.... what is your email address....

  5. the.usual_suspect at hotmail of the dotcom persuasion.

  6. I was going to advise getting a Feng Shui adjustment for the site; but it looks like you're working on it.

    Thou Shalt Not Give Enough Rope To Hang Thyself indeed! Most basic, and hard to learn. z

  7. I am so very, very proud of you. I probably don't say it enough, but its true.


  8. /admit it, you're gay. you sucked me off in Yakima.

  9. Yeah, it was fun, but not as good as the blow-job you gave me, thanks!


  10. Who is Suspect? An excerpt from Suspect's Creed dated January 20, 2008:

    "I will bask in my disdain for the entire experience but will not take my buddies for granted. I'll enjoy my time with the greatest band of miscreants I will ever meet, and will be thoroughly bummed out when its time to bounce out for good.

    I will party hard, I will blast metal at high volume. I will keep up a steady flow of my antics, unapologetically. I will maintain my degenerate character throughout all. I will continue to walk the thin line between Overall Good Guy and Shit Bag.

    I will do what makes ME proud. I will own up to my mistakes and embrace them because they will make the best memories. It'll all be over soon enough and no matter what, upon looking back I will regret not causing more chaos.

    I will stick to what I feel is important and will humor the rest, in my own good humor. I will not be here forever, and will act accordingly.

    But most importantly of all, I will take this strange life of mine and squeeze every last drop out of it, ravenously. It's mine and no one else's. I will not forget that. No one will break my spirit. An abrasive and defiant Fuck You, in whatever form, awaits anyone who suggests otherwise.

    I will not lie down for anyone."

    God(s) bless you Ryan. You rock that Specialist insignia, for you are the real deal, the one and only, THE original Suspect! Even if they had the guide, no one could ever come close to replicating your particular brand of Awesomeness!

    P.S. - You will always be an Overall Good Guy in my book. :)

  11. CCR!!! - been a long time since I've heard them and Vietnam days came roaring back from the dark recesses of my calicified brain. Amazing how music can transport the listener to long-ago-and-faraway.....its a visceral thing. I'd bet big money membrain and earl (if he's still around) had much the same reaction - albeit from a TOTALLY different perspective. War changes people..........
    Love ya man, ~P~

  12. Still listening to CCR -- Close my eyes - wop, wop, wop, slicks, dust-offs and body bags....shouldn't do this in the middle of the night....

    "Some folks are born
    made to wave the flag,
    Ooh, they're red, white and blue.
    And when the band plays "Hail to the chief",
    they point the cannon at you.
    It ain't me,
    it ain't me.
    I ain't no senator's son.
    It ain't me,
    it ain't me.
    I ain't no fortunate one.
    Some folks are born
    silver spoon in hand,
    Lord don't they help themselves.
    But when the tax man comes to the door,
    Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale.
    It ain't me,
    it ain't me.
    I ain't no millionaire's son.
    It ain't me,
    it ain't me.
    I ain't no fortunate one

    Some folks inherit
    star spangled eyes,
    Ooh, they send you down to war.
    And when you ask them,
    "How much should we give?"
    They only answer "More! More! More!"
    It ain't me,
    it ain't me.
    I ain't no military son.
    It ain't me,
    it ain't me.
    I ain't no fortunate one.
    It ain't me,
    it ain't me.
    I ain't no Fortunate Son."

    I guess it could be the anthem for any war. So this 60's flower power hippie hearby bequeaths it to you and yours, should you wish it.

  13. You're right Pattie CCR does it for me every time. Soon it will be time for Suspect to Run Through The Jungle. Woa, don't look back to see!

    He can still make me choke on my morning bagel as in: "Suspect is an asshole, and he's everywhere. I've met suspects who were ten times what I am. I chloroformed them."

  14. "Run Through the Jungle" came back to me, too. There are a couple very hot live versions of that, one by RL Burnside, and by a band called Credence Clearwater Revisited. Same as the original CCR but without John Fogarty. Instead they have the old guitarist from the Cars and he brings a nice twist to it. z

  15. Priceless blog!! I see through the posts u stopped hating the army & starting to accepting things the way they are or even Enjoying your time!! I got idea for next post of yours:

    Cheers! & Thanks for service!

  16. Ryan telling Mom his "favorite" pick-up line, much to her dismay:

    "Excuse me miss, does this smell like chlorofoam to you?"

    doughboy, hope your weekend's a good one!

    And bigD, thanks for digging that post up...I forgot about that one, yet it's one of my favorites



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