Sunday, March 29, 2009

Choices

I guess it sunk in finally. Blew away that pesky haze that surrounded the idea of getting out. "Man, it doesn't even seem real that we're getting out."

Good! BAM! STOP-LOSS!

Well shit, what can you do, right? An excellent question, Anon. Let's consider the options and attempt to provide an in-depth analysis. Feel free to mix-and-match possible decisions to create your own Suspect!




GO GAY

If your first thought is to wonder why this one is at the top of the list, fuck you.

To avoid deploying, one could, in theory, partake in excessive amounts of public...you know what, nevermind. This one's out.


SEX CHANGE

I'd fuck me hard.


JUMP FEET FIRST INTO A WOODCHIPPER

This approach can be generally seen as counter-intuitive as it guarantees complete dismemberment, and ascertained to be very painful. An arduous process that will require the assistance of the other criminal from "Fargo". Steve Buscemi chose this option just to piss you off.

"THE AWESOME"

(I did not invent this method, it was borrowed from Encyclopedia Dramatica. I advise that no one go there. But now you will, and you'll wish you hadn't, and so will begin the decay of your moral and social fiber. Without further ado, I hereby CTRL + V)

"Stand at the top of a tall structure and make sure that there is something relatively soft such as grass, or a sleeping fat person, below. You should preferably be on the edge of some kind of overhang, such as a bridge.

Next, tie cheese wire around your neck, tight enough that it won't slip off under tension but loose enough not to choke you. Remember, you don't want to die looking like a Michael Hutchence wannabe. Nobody wants to be Michael Hutchence. Even Hutchence hated it.

Anyway, tie the cheese wire to something solid on top of the structure. Make sure that there is a good six or seven feet of slack. Now stand at the edge and glue your hands to the side of your head. If you are under the age of 16, you may wish to get a responsible but sociopathic adult to help you. Wait until your hands are glued solidly to your head. This has the added advantage of stopping you from calling for help if you change your mind (you fucking pussy).

Now jump off the structure. It'll only hurt for a second, when the cheese wire runs out of slack and slices through your neck. The overhang should stop you from bashing your now-severed head against the wall of the structure when the cutting motion jerks your body backwards.

You should hopefully land face down, although this is really out of your hands by now. Unlike your head, which is glued to them. This has the excellent effect of causing whoever finds your body to think that you have pulled your head off.

Guaranteed to break the ice at parties!

====The Awesome (Feat. Boom-Shaka-laka)====\ Same setup as "The Awesome" except one must prepare a basketball hoop at the bottom of the place of descent prior to the jump in the hopes of slam-dunking one's own face.

Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties"



AWOL

This is when you say "Fuck this noise," and leave. No one tries to stop you, because if you're smart, you don't tell anyone. Smarter than suicide, though believed by some to be "career suicide" or "government job hirability suicide" or "not-taking-after-Ryan-Phillipe-in-a-shitty-movie suicide".

The less you pack, the better. In fact, you should leave your TV. Better yet, leave it on. Offer to pick up food for a friend on your way out. You may even want to go so far as to create a convincing backstory over the course of several weeks that suggests you're sleeping with the wife of a Special Forces soldier. "Go visit" the nonexistent lover and never return. If you've pulled this off successfully, your chain of command will file a missing person report and assume that you've been chopped up into fine chunks and fed to dogs. The guys from CSI: Lame Army Crap will naturally assume that whatever the dogs didn't want where probably scattered in the impact area of one of the artillery ranges. Morbid jokes will follow, while you cruise down the highway, laughing (until you realize that you forgot to line up things like a job and money, and you spend the rest of your days fellating bums for the food they are given but don't want).


DEPLOY

Sure, you spend longer than expected in the service, but life's already been getting on without you, so in reality, there is no transition. For a dramatic re-enactment of what this is like, go to the Evolution Of A Shitbag section somewhere on the right side of this garbage page, and read Part One, Part Two, and Part Three in a high pitched, snarky voice. Repeat until Terror surrenders or dies laughing at our ridiculous camoflauge.


APPLY FOR CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR STATUS

To do this, simply fail at it, be laughed at and shunned, then do everything listed under "DEPLOY", and make sure you always eat your lunch alone. Vow to one day become a full-fledged beatnik.


DEFECT TO THE OTHER SIDE

This involves AWOL, and also results in you looking like a goofball on CNN when you get caught in Afghanistan romancing animals. Someone else already tried this, and he looked ridiculous. Risks include getting your ass blown away by your former comrades. An excellent choice if you appreciate irony and want to up the chances of a shitty indie film being made about you.


GET INJURED

This will most likely just result in you having to sit on your ass and pull radio guard, still deployed. You'll make the same money you would outside the wire, and as long as you don't catch a rocket or mortar round to the skullet, and don't try "THE AWESOME" out of boredom, you'll probably be fine. But then again, if you're in this situation intentionally, you're probably a moron, and are frequently detonated by your First Sergeant, which is roughly on par with "FEET FIRST IN A WOODCHIPPER".

If you manage to get non-deployable status, you'll stay back on Rear Detachment and spend most of your days pulling 24 hours shifts at a desk, answering the occasional phone call and being terribly bored, wondering why they even bother to keep you. After enough sleep deprivation, you will likely try any and all of the above mentioned methods, in no particular order or limit to repetition (except woodchipper and the awesome).


TACKLE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

This one is experimental. If you enjoy thorough assbeatings and cavity searches, this may be the route for you. It does not guarantee that you'll be exempt from deployment, but you just may share a cell with the guy your comrades scoop up off the street when they go to work. At this point, go with either "GO GAY" or "THE AWESOME", because he will likely want some "fiki fiki". For an example of fiki fiki, kindly refer to any movie starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal about two cowboys when they spend too much time away from their wives. Do not associate this concept with "DEPLOY". Seriously, not cool.

Possible risks include failure. While it may rock to see the President punch some fool out on TV, it might not be so funny to you if it's YOUR candy ass being handed to you. Also, don't expect a bail out.



Go to hell, that joke was hilarious. Moving on.


GET MEDICALLY DISCHARGED

I obviously don't know shit about this one. A long and arduous process that if successfully done, can result in you getting disability money from Veteran's Affairs. Being a self-centered egoccentric author of several blogs about military angst does not constitute a severe medical handicap. While a doctor may call you a retard for signing your contract, he or she will not actually diagnose you with Retard.

If The Awesome and Woodchipper are too extreme for you, you might consider Horseback Riding.



BE DECLARED MENTALLY UNFIT TO DEPLOY

This can be a pain as the headshrinkers you'll get referred to work for the Army. Fingerpainting the walls and your own body with feces may provide a compelling argument, but only if you can stay in character. This is where some authors of angsty army blogs failed.



GET SUPER RICH

If I knew how to do this, I wouldn't be writing this article. I'd be paying your children a dollar an hour to make tennis shoes and advocating the continued use of the Stop-Loss policy. Oh, and I'd be heavily invested in KBR, something I should have done anyway but now is probably too late.

There's some sort of stipulation that if you make 250 grand, or if that's your annual income, or something like that, I'm not sure, then you can get out due to a "change of lifestyle". What that means is that when you don't have to worry about money, you aren't afraid to tell people to fuck themselves, because you are rich and therefor better. Paltry re-enlistment bonuses are suddenly not so tempting, and the threat of having your pay reduced INduces laughter. You can also have strings pulled, because you're a rich dickhead and everyone hates you but needs money.

All in favor of the Save Suspect PayPal Fundraiser? Quarter mil, non-refundable. Anyone?

Well then it's back to my Nigerian Email Scams (yeah, I started those but no one falls for it).



KISS YOUR CONGRESSMAN'S ASS

Get deployed anyway, unless you followed my guide to "GET RICH".


BECOME A SCIENTOLOGIST

Seriously, I bet they could pull some strings. You're probably better off just doing your eight year obligation though. Couch jumping optional.


GET DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD

Kidding, turns out, that won't do it. The Adderall is free though. The Air Force might use that as excuse to get rid of your worthless ass, but the Army won't (until we revert back to a peacetime army, and you can get booted for being fat, failing PT standards, or any other number of things).

Side effects include driving your friends and superiors fucking NUTS and not being able to keep your story on one continuous blog.


GET THROWN IN PRISON

We pretty much covered this with TACKLE THE PRESIDENT. Seek a better course of action.



CREATE A NEW IDENTITY

With a simple home-made witness protection kit and sweet hacking skillz seen only in moviez, you too can be Jason Bourne. I'm not saying this is possible or a viable option, I'm just saying that if you ever run into a certain Theroy Roosefitch III, be sure to buy him things.



BURN AND DELETE YOUR UNIT'S DEPLOYMENT ORDERS

This is more of a hilarious way to accomplish "GET THROWN IN PRISON" than it is a way to get out of Stop-Loss. Use your sweet hax0r skillz. Enjoy fiki fiki. If the guards take pictures and circulate them on the internet, sue, and "GET RICH".



ASSEMBLE A JETPACK

This isn't so much a solution as it is a particularly freaking SWEET example of AWOL. Side effects include third degree burns on the buttocks.



GO 88 MPH

Ha, you fucking wish, clown. If you succeed, avoid all attempts your mother makes to seduce you. Invest in shit that will succeed (not ENRON or AIG). Claim to be a prophet. Prophesize shit from your history books. Get murdered.

Side effects MIGHT include turning into a werewolf, or Parkinson's Disease.



DISABLE THE TRACTOR BEAM AND LET OBI-WAN KENOBI TAKE THE HEAT

We were going to fly him to an old folk's home anyway.


BE JACK BAUER

Granted, everyone around you is either completely fucked, secretly a bad guy, your daughter, or a combination. Avoid turning into a vampire or picking on little kids on a journey to look at a dead guy.



BE IN A DIFFERENT BRANCH OF SERVICE

Yeah, the other ones don't do stop-loss apparently. Way to pick the only one that does. MENSA material for sure.



FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH

This is a pretty dickfaced move, and a bit extreme of a prank, but if you're sick enough to use it to get out of the Army, you might as well get a chuckle out of it. This is kind of where AWOL meets CREATE NEW IDENTITY, because now you don't have a social security number and can't get a job or go to the hospital or enlist (AH HA HA HA HA HA).

Bonus perk: Terminators can't find you unless Claire Danes fucks everything up.



GET BEAMED UP BY SCOTTY

Once he stops laughing and finally agrees to beam up your clothes, look around and realize that now you are stuck on a spaceship and more or less still involved with a military lifestyle. Also, if they deem you an "ensign", don't go on any missions. EVER.



INSPECT THE WARDROBE

Narnia probably isn't much better than Iraq if you really think about it. Climb back out of the wardrobe you freaking dolt. You look ridiculous.



STEAL THE NEVERENDING STORY

I only saw the first one, so I don't really know how it pans out. I'm just grabbing for straws at this point.



SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR

Throw the ring in the molten lava (throw the Terminator in there too if it followed you). This will end all the wars and whatnot, and the truth is that no one likes to be married, so just toss the ring but keep the receipt because jewelry stores usually cover volcano damage (in ancient times, during particularly aggressive volcanic eruptions, women would protect their husbands when the game was on by scooping and flinging the oozing lava away.)



FORGET WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT AND THEN FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE AFTER THAT, ESPECIALLY FORGET TO DEPLOY

This is considered AWOL and retarded, but will not garner a diagnosis of Retard.



PEE THE BED FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES

Probably not going to work unless you're still in basic training, which if you're reading this, you aren't. Also, if you're stop-lossed, you probably aren't in basic training. Pee the bed anyway.



GET ASTHMA

Make sure to get all sorts of medical documentation, and a piece of paper that says that you pretty much can't do fucking ANYTHING. The downside is that you pretty much can't do fucking ANYTHING.



GET AIDS

Full blown AIDS will net you a 100% disability rating for the rest of your life and the Army takes care of you. Unfortunately, you have AIDS. You're probably better of deploying unless you're Magic Johnson, in which case it's AAAAAARIGHT!



GET ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

Make sure you get abducted by the right kind. Carry a bottle of water in case it's the dudes from "Signs". Always have a cold in case it's the creatures from "War Of The Worlds". Quit shaking the fucking camera if it's the things from "Cloverfield". Have Will Smith with you at all times for obvious reasons. Reese's pieces for E.T., Scully if the aliens have a minibar (she was in Maxim last year I think, so don't tell me she hasn't aged well). Bring Buffalo Bill if the aliens are women and are trapped in a well. Better yet, don't. If the aliens are Kevin Spacey, bring an underage blonde just in case.

In all situations, be prepared to be anally penetrated. Fiki fiki.



PAY IT FORWARD

I figure by now, if you have to do three goddamn favors every time a person does you ONE favor, the world should be THIS FAR from total peace. But since no one is going to listen to the offspring of Forrest Gump, select something else from the list.



GET FROZEN IN CARBONITE

How bad can it be?



RUN OUT OF IDEAS

Refer back to "GET DEPLOYED".

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Sacrifice?

I never really got it when people would say things like, "Thank you for your sacrifice." Just felt weird. I'd think Dude, I'm getting paid. Obviously it's more apparent now. You just don't realize the extent to it when you enlist, I don't care who you are.

You hear about the IRR, but it won't happen to you. You probably won't get stop-lossed, except for maybe an extra couple months or something. Not that much of a sacrifice, it's new and exciting. The fucking ARMY, dude! Kickass!

And then maybe one day it hits you with the force of a Mac truck. You sacrifice EVERYTHING. Put it all on the line, gambled with all you got and more. Can't be who you want to be. You have to fit into a mold, a very specific one. There's reasons for all of it, yeah, I got it.

Specific haircut, clean shaven, natural hair color only, no piercings, restrictions on tattoos, where you can go and what you can do, how you conduct yourself. You completely give yourself away. No longer your own. That's a hard fact when it stands up and stares you down and you realize just how wrong you were about your world from the day you inked up those government forms.

I still don't regret enlisting, I probably never will. I do regret that immediately after things take an incredibly positive turn in life, the Army needs more. And the Army comes first, no matter what you think or how you feel.

Not gonna like it, gonna do it anyway. What, something's fucked up in the world and soldiers are getting the short end of the stick? That isn't news.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Toby Keith

Shut the fuck up and enlist. Thanks.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Yes They Can

Enlistment contract.

Stop-Loss.

(This isn't the official be-all, end-all, just an example I was able to find online that looked mighty official and felt like it had that Tom Clancy touch. Excerpts below. And remember, knowing is half the "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU--" -Suspect)

"Stop Loss" is a program which allows the service to temporarily halt all separations and retirement during times of war, deployments, or National Emergency. The Army has issued a "Stop Loss" in conjunction with the "War on Terrorism." Below is the first message issued concerning the Stop Loss Program for the Army:



1. THIS MESSAGE SUPERSEDES PREVIOUS STOP LOSS MESSAGE REFERENCED IN
V ABOVE.


2. AS A RESULT OF APPROVAL OF A LIMITED STOP LOSS IN ACCORDANCE WITH
REFERENCES R THROUGH V ABOVE, THE PROVISIONS OF REGULATIONS GOVERNING
VOLUNTARY RETIREMENTS, SEPARATIONS, AND RELEASES FROM ACTIVE DUTY
(REFRADS) OF MEMBERS OF THE TOTAL ARMY AS OUTLINED IN PARTS I
(ENLISTED) AND II (OFFICERS) ARE SUSPENDED, EXCEPT AS SPECIFIED IN
PART III (ALL).


3. NOTE THAT NOTHING IN THIS MESSAGE PREVENTS OR DELAYS THE REFRAD
OF RESERVE COMPONENT SOLDIERS ON ACTIVE DUTY FOR TRAINING (ADT),
ANNUAL TRAINING (AT), ACTIVE DUTY FOR SPECIAL WORK (ADSW), ACTIVE
GUARD RESERVE (AGR) DUTY UP -TITLE 10 AND -TITLE 32, TEMPORARY TOURS
OF ACTIVE DUTY (TTAD), ON CALL TO ACTIVE DUTY UP 10 USC 12302
(PARTIAL MOBILIZATION) OR ON A CALL TO ACTIVE DUTY UNDER 10 USC 12304
PRESIDENTIAL SELECTED RESERVE CALL UP (PSRC) (SEE PARAGRAPH 10B).


PART I FOR ENLISTED SOLDIERS:


SECTION 1 ACTIVE ARMY


4. ALL ENLISTMENTS, REENLISTMENTS, EXTENSIONS, PERIODS OF OBLIGATED
SERVICE, AND OTHER PERIODS OF ACTIVE DUTY (EXCEPT PARTIAL
MOBILIZATION, WHICH IS NOT AFFECTED BY STOP LOSS) FOR ACTIVE ARMY
SOLDIERS SPECIFIED IN PARA 4A(1) ARE EXTENDED, SUBJECT TO THE
EXCEPTIONS NOTED IN PARA 10, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.


A. APPLICABILITY:

(1) STOP LOSS IS APPLIED TO SOLDIERS LISTED BELOW WHO HAVE A
PRIMARY MOS (PMOS) WITH AN ETS DATE ON OR AFTER THE CORRESPONDING ETS
EFFECTIVE DATE, WHO HAVE NOT BEGUN TRANSITION LEAVE PRIOR TO THE
CORRESPONDING TRANSITION LEAVE EFFECTIVE DATE. SOLDIERS WILL BE
RETAINED SUBJECT TO PARA 3 AND 10:


(List of MOS not applicable to this post. -Suspect)


(2) STOP LOSS HAS BEEN LIFTED FOR PMOS' 81T, 92R, 96D, 96H,
96Z, 97Z, 98G (RUSSIAN AND SPANISH LINGUISTS ONLY), 98H, 98J, 98K,
AND 98Z. REFER TO REF W FOR SPECIFIC IMPLEMENTATION GUIDANCE.


B. PROCEDURES: SOLDIERS IDENTIFIED IN PARAGRAPH 4A(1) WILL HAVE
THEIR ETS CHANGED TO 24 DECEMBER 2031 IN THE TOTAL ARMY PERSONNEL
DATABASE (TAPDB) BY HQDA (THIS IS A NOTIONAL AND ARBITRARY DATE FOR
TRACKING PURPOSES AND DOES NOT CONSTITUTE THE SOLDIERS' TRUE ETS
DATE). THIS ETS CHANGE WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY POSTED TO THE DEFENSE
JOINT MILITARY PAY SYSTEMS (DJMS), THE DEFENSE ENROLLMENT ELIGIBILITY
REPORTING SYSTEM (DEERS), AND THE STANDARD INSTALLATION/ DIVISION
PERSONNEL SYSTEM (SIDPERS). INSTALLATIONS SHOULD SEE ETS DATES
CHANGE IN SIDPERS NOT LATER THAN FIVE (5) DAYS AFTER THE EFFECTIVE
DATE OF THIS MESSAGE AND WILL BE ABLE TO QUERY THE SIDPERS DATA BASE
USING AN AD HOC QUERY TO IDENTIFY SOLDIERS WHO HQDA INDICATES ARE
AFFECTED BY STOP LOSS. INSTALLATIONS MUST MANAGE THESE SOLDIERS TO
ENSURE THEY DO NOT SEPARATE PRIOR TO THE TERMINATION OF THEIR STOP
LOSS STATUS IAW GUIDANCE PROVIDED IN THIS MILPER MESSAGE. UPON
TERMINATION OF STOP LOSS, ETS DATES WILL BE READJUSTED IAW MILPER
INSTRUCTIONS. HQDA POC FOR SIDPERS ISSUES IS THE SUPER SERVER HELP
DESK, COMM. 1-866-433-9196.


C. COMMANDERS WILL CONTINUE TO ENCOURAGE SOLDIERS TO EXTEND OR
REENLIST. SOLDIERS WHO REENLIST DURING THE PERIOD OF INVOLUNTARY
EXTENSION WILL HAVE THEIR ETS DATE CHANGED TO THEIR ACTUAL ETS DATE
AS A RESULT OF THE REENLISTEMENT AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR
PAYMENT OF ACCRUED LEAVE (IAW AR 600-8-10).



--CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 13, 2009